"Someday when my cryin's done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun..." -- The Everly Brothers

Several weeks ago, I tried to let go of something special. I couldn't do it. I did not have the will power to completely let go.

I did not know how deep the roots of my attachment to a very special friendship was but that day I finally found out -- when I asked to be let go. So many times in the past I have tried to break free, not because the friendship was suffocating me. It was because of my insecurities, my constant blunderings and my immature way of handling something as special as the friendship I have in my hands.

The friendship has always been too special and I couldn't handle it. It was like holding a piece of delicate figurine in my hands, or weaving a fragile yarn, that I was always mostly unsure and feared I would break the figurine or cut the yarn. I kept making my way blindly towards long days of being upset; of endlessly pounding and putting the friendship on trial.

He constantly builds me up, while I do nothing but bring us down every chance I get. He looks forward to learning from mistakes, while I get stuck over self-recriminations and self-blame. He grabs and faces each day with a positive outlook, while I get left behind still worrying about the mistakes I did the day before. He knows his self-worth and points to me my worth, while I hold on to a self-esteem that is close to nonexistent. He is everything I need to build me up, and I am everything he doesn't need to bring him down. I believed that letting go was the best solution, and this I asked of him that day. But he doesn't run away from pain.

My happiness is anchored on the friendship, this I know, but in the last several months, I have made enough mistakes to dim out our happiness. In spite of this he continues to be there -- like the sun, like the air, like the rain. Always there.

I waited for the bus that afternoon under dark and heavy clouds. What started as a slight drizzle became a heavy downpour. While the other commuters scurried and ran to the nearest shelter, I stayed under the rain. I felt the big drops pound on my little gray umbrella, and I let the rain hitting the pavement bounce and soak my shoes and my stockinged legs.